Brene' Brown and being a recovering perfectionist

Life has been an internal struggle for me lately. Yes, I have mastered not purging or restricting food anymore (huge kudos to me!) but I still struggle with perfectionism, I still fight depression and self-doubt. I have been learning a lot lately and I guess I am just grateful to be alive and be learning and have this mortal opportunity for growth and progression. I will never be perfect in this life, that's why I have been given the gift of a savior (yay Christmas!) I struggle with being open, and real, and authentic with people. I always feel like I have to hide myself, I guess I feel shame. I feel that I have to be perfect to be loved (false). Growing up (I'm not blaming here just stating a fact) I was taught that the only acceptable, lovable and "good" emotion is happiness. That I have to be perfect to be loved. My mom never let me see her struggle, never let me see her imperfections. I never was taught how to deal with emotions. 

I came across this Author whom I am now obsessed with, some of you might have heard of her Brene' Brown. She is awesome. She has spent over 10 years studying perfectionism, shame, vulnerability and connecting with people. She talks about living with your whole heart and letting people SEE all of you and living from a place of knowing your inherent worth and not being afraid to be vulnerable and not being afraid to fail. She talks a lot about letting go of who you think you are supposed to be and becoming who you are meant to be! I am really excited about this find, and I am getting three of her books or Christmas along with a book called The Beauty of Different. We are all unique and individual by design, so many times we mistake our strengths for character flaws. I am really striving to embrace who I really am and stop expecting perfection of myself and "shoulding" on myself all the time. Because that has just stolen my joy, paralyzed me and hidden my authenticity. 

I prayed this morning for God to help me know who I am. I think I have been learning this and feeling this more than anytime in my life, but it is still something I struggle with. And this morning I came accross this video? Coincidence? I think not. 

When I was younger my identity and worth was so wrapped up in Gymnastics. When I quit and lost my boyfriend of about 2 years at almost the same time it's no wonder I found myself in an abusive relationship looking for acceptance and belonging. He took advantage of that and ripped every shed of self worth and confidence I had apart. It only took him 6 months. This is when my ED began, and when I was finally able to get away from him I was left in a pit of shame, self disgust and more shame. I have been working on recovery for 7 years, 7 years! I have changed SO SO SO SO much and have grown close to my Heavenly Father and Savior. I have overcome a lot of that shame and have learned to love myself again and I guess you could say i've been finding myself. But their are still some days where I am just lost and feel inadequate and sometimes even worthless, despite knowing better.

I am setting out on a mission to really overcome this. I have realized that I really need to work on being myself and not being afraid of really letting people see me.  I want to live with my whole heart and let people see my  imperfections because those are loveable. My perfectionism has paralyzed me, it has made me want to make no mistakes and play it safe in every situation. I am afraid of making a mistake so I just don't do anything. "A ship is safest in the harbor, but that's not what ships are made for" I want to set sail and face all the challenges, ups and downs & sorrows and joys of an adventure!

Anyways I am sure you will be hearing more about this! I can honestly say I have conquered my ED even if it is a struggle at times but I am now going to be recovering from perfectionism. 

Here is a link to brene' browns website if you want to check it out, she is awesome! www.brenebrown.com