9 Years Ago

9 Years ago today, my broken, shattered self walked through the doors of The Center for Change- an Eating Disorder Treatment Center. I barely knew how my life was going to change from that moment- the hope I would find, the people who would change my life, and the light that would replace the darkness I had been living in. I can't think about that place without tearing up and feeling an extreme amount of gratitude. This day 9 years ago was the beginning of a new life for me. I still think about the Center every single day, and the love and healing I experienced there gives me hope everyday. Walking into the doors I hated myself and thought everyone hated me too, I didn't know how to handle life and I didn't really want to live- except for the glimmer of hope I felt. The day I walked out those doors 9 months later I was alive, I felt happy and free and worthwhile, I recognized my talents more and I wanted to live. I had hope and I had found my warrior heart. The Journey just begun the day I walked out of the center, I can say that I've fought and i've fought and i've fought and I guess i'm just so grateful that I did. 

People DO change! Lives change! Hope is never ever lost. If you are in struggle right now, keep fighting! Believe in yourself and believe in God. I didn't realize it then but as I look back through my journey (that isn't over!:) I can see God's hand in my life in so many ways. His tender mercies were and are all around me. He knows me, cares deeply for me and he will never give up on me. Anytime I feel alone or afraid I just have to think of those moments where I recognize God's hand in my life and then I can press forward and go on and know that everything will work out wonderfully well. I'm just so grateful for my life, it's still a struggle and it always will be but it's also really great. I'm grateful for a savior who made it all possible- everything good comes from him. I can't believe it's been 9 years. When I walked through those doors sobbing, I didn't know how I was going to make it one day, I was terrified to be leaving everything I knew and walk into the unknown. But I was even more terrified of not going. I needed to hand my life over to someone else, I was self destructing and couldn't get out. I was sure I wasn't going to make it through the night. But i've made it 9 years. One day at a time. I wish I could go back to my broken self 9 years ago give her a hug, tell her she is strong, and that everything is going to be more then ok. You have a husband and 2 beautiful little girls waiting for you to get better, they need you. You are going to make it. So keep on fighting, keep on going, never give up, you can do it, you are loved, you are divine, you are not your mistakes you can throw those away and have a bright new future. Not only am I going to get my life back, but you are going to get a better one, these experiences are going to make you who you are, they are going to shape and refine you even and especially because they are painful.

Sorry for all the rambling but I just want everyone to know that no matter where you are today or how broken you may feel there is hope, you are a warrior, life can change, and God knows you, he is on your side and he is helping you. Life is a struggle, it has to be, but it's also really really good. You can make it. 

I also want to tell all the girls from CFC that I love you and I am extremely proud of you, I miss you everyday and i'm so grateful to have experienced healing with you. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing never forget you are something Divine, I love you! Please take care of yourself!