9 Years Ago

9 Years ago today, my broken, shattered self walked through the doors of The Center for Change- an Eating Disorder Treatment Center. I barely knew how my life was going to change from that moment- the hope I would find, the people who would change my life, and the light that would replace the darkness I had been living in. I can't think about that place without tearing up and feeling an extreme amount of gratitude. This day 9 years ago was the beginning of a new life for me. I still think about the Center every single day, and the love and healing I experienced there gives me hope everyday. Walking into the doors I hated myself and thought everyone hated me too, I didn't know how to handle life and I didn't really want to live- except for the glimmer of hope I felt. The day I walked out those doors 9 months later I was alive, I felt happy and free and worthwhile, I recognized my talents more and I wanted to live. I had hope and I had found my warrior heart. The Journey just begun the day I walked out of the center, I can say that I've fought and i've fought and i've fought and I guess i'm just so grateful that I did. 

People DO change! Lives change! Hope is never ever lost. If you are in struggle right now, keep fighting! Believe in yourself and believe in God. I didn't realize it then but as I look back through my journey (that isn't over!:) I can see God's hand in my life in so many ways. His tender mercies were and are all around me. He knows me, cares deeply for me and he will never give up on me. Anytime I feel alone or afraid I just have to think of those moments where I recognize God's hand in my life and then I can press forward and go on and know that everything will work out wonderfully well. I'm just so grateful for my life, it's still a struggle and it always will be but it's also really great. I'm grateful for a savior who made it all possible- everything good comes from him. I can't believe it's been 9 years. When I walked through those doors sobbing, I didn't know how I was going to make it one day, I was terrified to be leaving everything I knew and walk into the unknown. But I was even more terrified of not going. I needed to hand my life over to someone else, I was self destructing and couldn't get out. I was sure I wasn't going to make it through the night. But i've made it 9 years. One day at a time. I wish I could go back to my broken self 9 years ago give her a hug, tell her she is strong, and that everything is going to be more then ok. You have a husband and 2 beautiful little girls waiting for you to get better, they need you. You are going to make it. So keep on fighting, keep on going, never give up, you can do it, you are loved, you are divine, you are not your mistakes you can throw those away and have a bright new future. Not only am I going to get my life back, but you are going to get a better one, these experiences are going to make you who you are, they are going to shape and refine you even and especially because they are painful.

Sorry for all the rambling but I just want everyone to know that no matter where you are today or how broken you may feel there is hope, you are a warrior, life can change, and God knows you, he is on your side and he is helping you. Life is a struggle, it has to be, but it's also really really good. You can make it. 

I also want to tell all the girls from CFC that I love you and I am extremely proud of you, I miss you everyday and i'm so grateful to have experienced healing with you. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing never forget you are something Divine, I love you! Please take care of yourself!

Start a Habit Today

In the past I have made list's of Goals determined to do them and then life gets in the way and despite my good intentions I don't do them! So then I make a new list and same thing, I don't do them! Does anyone else have this problem?

Well lately, i'm not quite sure how, but my whole philosophy has changed! I've realized if you want to create a new habit or stop an unwanted habit you just have to do it today, just do it once, and you are on your way. You've created/ stopped a habit. Just do it today. Then when the time comes tomorrow do it again tomorrow. It doesn't have to be anything big. Doing simple, little things, that take 5 minutes day after day can improve your life. 

Don't get too ahead of yourself. I don't know if anyone likes to plan out their whole life everyday like me but it can get incredibly exhausting. I really really really really wish I could control and predict everything but I can't. I've heard "Take it one day at a time" a million times, but ya know it actually really works and makes life a whole lot more enjoyable. 

Some of you may not get what i'm saying, but I bet someone is totally understanding me right now. 

It's the simple things we do day after day that build a good life. we can't do it all in one day. As humans we have to take it one day at a time, darnit.

I've heard the phrase "Take care of this moment and my life will take care of itself" of course we have to prepare but there is some truth to that and value in living in the moment. What do you want your life to be like? You get to choose. 

And there are just way too many good quotes on habits....

Love, Meg

We are all learning to walk

I am a big believer that there is no better time in the day to recieve inspiration then early in the quiet morning. It's hard to get up early as a mom but whenever I do the quality of my Gospel study is elevated and I feel closer to my Father in Heaven. This morning as I studied I wrote down these thoughts. They are kind of jumbled, I was trying to write as fast as my heart was being taught by the Holy Ghost. It is just what I needed to know today. Thought I'd share them with you. 

Remember we are in the stage of becoming, we are not perfect. We will not be perfect in this life. We shouldn't demand of ourselves perfect, we should demand of ourselves progress. We can be excellent and not be perfect. It's about progress, not perfection. We will continue progressing even after this life. Heavenly Father is patient and long-suffering and his entire purposes of all he does is for our benefit, well-being and lasting happiness. He wants us to be happy! He wants us to succeed, his own plan is for us to succeed. Some of our weaknesses will stay with us until we depart this earth life. Acknowledge them and face them and work on them but don't be immobilized by them. God gave us weaknesses so that we would be humble and learn that we need him. He always speaks of weaknesses with compassion. He is not someone who doesn't know what it's like to struggle and fight, he gets it. He is perfectly understanding. He is long-suffering, patient and kind. He welcomes everyone who returns to him, he is eager to forgive, he is a forgiving God. Heaven will be filled with those who are forgiven and those you forgive. He knew we would make mistakes. Jesus did not come to save the righteous, he came to save the sinners. God is my father and I am his child, I am learning to walk (I'm pretty sure i'm in the 1yr old stage!:) Does he scold me for falling down, stumbling or crawling? No! He cheers me on, knowing it's a process. He has faith in me, he knows who I can become and he knows that I can do it. He is for me, not against me. Jesus Christ is my friend and my advocate with the Father. They love us. They are merciful, compassionate and kind. They anxiously want us to choose what is best for us. There is so much more then this life and I can't see the whole picture but I trust that he can and he has a plan. There is purpose in struggling. There is purpose in this messy 2nd act of a 3 act play. He's trying to tell us it's going to be ok and that everything is going to work out, just trust and believe and have faith and keep going. Yes, we are worthy of his love every minute. He takes us where we are, this very day. Our Savior knows each of us individually and personally, he's the only one who truly understands and truly knows hearts and truly knows how hard we are trying. He crys with us, he laughs with us, he is the best helper, the best friend, the best person to walk hand in hand with. He made it possible for us to leave all our baggage behind everyday and start again, fresh and new. God never says: "Oh no, not you again." He says: "Get back up, keep trying, you'll get it. Don't get discouraged, don't be afriad. Dust yourself off, keep going, you got this. LOOK UP and know that he loves you and he is there. 

"Christ will not forget us, he has graven us upon the palms of his hands."-1 Nephi 21:15-16

"Treasure these things up in your hearts, and let the solemnities of Eternity rest upon your minds"-D&C 43:34

"The Opposite of an Addiction is Connection"

As a recovering addict I completely agree with this Ted Talk...

"The opposite of addiction is connection"

In my recovery I realized that the most important thing was not abstinence the most important thing was to create a life where I don't need my addiction anymore. 

What helped me the most in my recovery was the connections I made with people at the treatment center I went to. I am convinced those friendships helped me more then the therapy and the dietician sessions. Feeling LOVED, CONNECTED and like I BELONGED somewhere healed me. Those are the very things that caused my addiction...abuse, my parents divorce and loss of my core family, feeling unloved, feeling ashamed, feeling alone, loss of friends, loss of self-worth, I could not stand myself or my life, I had to escape and I did that with an addiction to food. If I didn't have my addiction I literally could not bear my life. So I couldn't stop, I didn't even know how.

How we recover is by walking away from the darkness and filling our lives to the brim with LIGHT. Light dispels darkness. We need to realize, really realize that we are LOVED, that we are children of God. And we need to create relationships in our lives, that's what it's all about. Connection with God is the best connection to have. Prayer is the first, middle and last thing to do, never feel unworthy to pray, God is eager to help you, he waits to hear from you, he loves you no matter how low you've sunk and he can help you rise again. 

I'm just so grateful. I know i've still got a lot of work to do. I know i'm still a CHILD to God, but i'm trying and I know he's helping. I love him. I'm grateful for good in the world. I know we can overcome because Jesus Christ overcame all things. My heart goes out to anyone who is in the depths of an addiction. Please know you may be doing something bad but YOU are not bad. YOU are a Child of God. He has compassion towards you, his arms are always outstretched, he is completely understanding and the best helper. He doesn't want you to hurt anymore, let him help. ASK for strength, ask for LOVE, ask for healing and it will come. Keep trying. Never Never Never Give up. 

Little sparks of light in my day

Anybody else love Ted Talks? I watched this one today and really liked it. It's not the perfect body, clothes, house, car, money, prestige or accomplishments that brings us true joy. It's having strong relationships with loved ones. Family is what it's all about. 

I also listened to this song today. So grateful. 

I love those little things that brighten my day and fill my soul. 

-Meg

Jesus Understands

Jesus Christ is perfectly understanding. His relationship with us is personal. He understands perfectly your hurt, pain, fears, struggles, joys and desires. He knows you inside and out. Jesus Christ is not someone who doesn't understand what it's like to struggle, he gets it, more then anybody. In fact he "descended below all things" That means there isn't anything you can go through in life that he hasn't felt or experienced. He is FULL of compassion. He has felt your pain, carried your sorrows, borne your griefs, he was bruised for your iniquitites, with his stripes we are healed. He payed the price. He is the way, the truth and the light of the world. Because of him I have been able to overcome my Eating Disorder and many other things, becuase of him I am a better, happier person, because of him I have hope. He is the Best friend you could possibly ever have. I know that he lives and that he will come again. I know that each of us will have a face to face interview with him. I desperately want to be ready for that. His invitation is "Come Follow Me" & "Come unto me". He loves you deeply and understands you perfectly. 

You gotta get up and TRY

So sometimes in my perfectionist little head I think, "No matter how hard I try I'm never perfect!" It's sooooooo frustrating ha ha. I always do something stupid, and make mistakes and fall short. So then i'm like "whatever it doesn't matter what I do, just give up, stop trying. you're failing and you're defeated. The end. You're a loser" ha ha I hope you can hint the sarcasm but there is also some truth to it. This post is for those of you who feel like I did a few days ago- defeated and ready to give up! 

I clumsily told God of my feelings and frustrations and this talk was an answer to my prayer:

"Your Next Step" Holy Cow, this talk is gooood... I was going to copy and paste my favorite parts but then I would be copying and pasting the entire talk but if you go read it you will be so glad you did. 

He starts out by telling how his heart sank in a church meeting when he asked "How many of you want to live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ again?" every hand went up. Then he asked "How many of you have confidence you'll succeed?" Most hands went down. 

He then goes on to compare us to little children learning how to walk. When we stumble and fall our loving Heavenly Father doesn't scold us and tell us to never try again, he tells us to shake it off, get back up and keep trying. He lovingly cheers us on with outstretched arms. This life is messy, we are all learning how to walk, none of us are going to be perfect, that's not how it works. He also says how each step we take is met with help from Heaven, he more then blesses our efforts. Faith is a principle of action- We have to act, even though it's going to be humanly imperfect. Heavenly Father blesses those who despite their imperfections ACT. "Spiritual gifts are promised not only to those who love God and keep all of His commandments but also, gratefully, to those of us who “[seek] so to do.”Strength is given to those who keep seeking and trying."

Then, as I pondered that talk the spirit brought these quotes/talks to my memory...

"God cares a lot more about who we are and who we are becoming than about who we once were. He cares that we keep on trying."

“I’m no saint—that is, unless you think a saint is a sinner who keeps on trying.”

“One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final.”

"the moment we decide to try again, the Atonement of Christ can help us. we need to remember that it is not the Holy Ghost that tells us we’re so far gone that we might as well give up."

"Latter Day Saint's Keep on Trying" 

"If with all you have done there is an occasional failure, you can still say, “At least I did the very best of which I was capable. I tried as hard as I knew how. I let nothing stand in the way of my role as a mother.” Failures will be few under such circumstances. -President Hinckley "Your Greatest Challenge, Mother"

So, can I be perfect in this life? No! But can I give it all i've got and be all in everyday and TRY my hardest? YES, I can do it! 

Remember Tessanne Chin from The Voice? I Loved her!

Love, Meg